Just Ask Joyce Ask Joyce Oglesby a question about your relationship issues. This month, find out the best way to resolve sibling squabbles. FEBRUARY 2010 Just Ask Joyce FEBRUARY 2010 Need some advice? Today's Woman is featuring Just Ask Joyce, a Q&A column by relationship expert Joyce Oglesby. She'll be tackling readers' tough questions to help them discover a better way of living a happier life with the ones they love. If you have a question for her, send it to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Also, watch her segment on the CW Louisville Morning Show or go to her website at www.joyceoglesby.com. Q: “How do I know when to step in when my kids fight? How much? How often? To what degree should I solve their problems?” Joyce: When you feel one is going down for the count, it’s time to intervene! I was reared in a household of eight children. Sibling rivalry and squabbles seemed to be a routine part of our days. Kids really need little provocation to get at odds with another child, whether sibling, friend, classmate or stranger. (Some never outgrow this conduct.) It’s an instinctive behavior to be a bit territorial and protective of their space. When multiple kids are in the home, it may be a simple need of some alone time. Vying for attention from a parent and/or another sibling is not uncommon, especially if a new baby has arrived on the scene. Boys are built to tumble, rumble and stumble into showing off their manhood. Girls will quietly or overtly develop a catty disposition in order to achieve equality with either gender. In today’s society, we are prone to fight our kids’ battles at very early stages. Circumventing development of working through issues is not always the best remedy for maintaining peace within the home. The beauty of most children is they will typically work it out and immediately return to playing, laughing and loving each other. As parents, we need to afford them every opportunity to develop the skill of reconciliation and the art of sharing. If we step in to referee every battle at its inception, we will have done them a great disservice in achieving a sense of working through issues in relationships at every level. It is important, however, that we be aware and intolerant of certain unacceptable behaviors. Our kids are exposed to an inordinate amount of violence through different forms of media. A recent study revealed that children are exposed to 53 hours of media each week. That’s pretty alarming, especially in light of the content available for their viewing and listening pleasure. If we are not careful to monitor what processes through their impressionable minds, we eventually pay heavy prices on the homefront. If you sense any of your children are being particularly aggressive in this area, try these approaches: • If you are unaware of how the tiff began, allow each to share their version of the story without interruption by the other. Don’t be judge and jury. Talking out the situation oftentimes paints a picture of the pettiness of the occurrence. If they can’t find resolution, quickly decide what your next step will be. • Demand alone-time play for at least two hours up to the entire day. This may encourage better behavior when they are devoid of a playmate for a while. • Insist on an apology to one another. Make sure they look each other in the eyes. It’s a good habit to begin early. • Spell out your expectations of their behavior. Don’t make it vague. Kids respond best when they know distinct boundaries. If you don’t set them, they’ll expand them until you do. You can only hope it’s not too late by that time. • Have them work out a remedy everyone can live with. It’s a great way of developing independence, skillful thinking, and partnering up for compromise. Be an alert parent. Recognize a true need for further help. If you have a child who is intentionally harmful to another, you may need to seek professional help. Don’t turn a blind eye to an obvious problem. If you sense a trait such as this is developing, closely monitor his video games, television series, et cetera. On the other hand, don’t squelch your children’s ability to defend themselves. Maintain a proper balance. We don’t want our kids to be bullies, but we don’t want them mowed over by one either. Allow siblings to work out situations when possible. They may disappoint you in how often they go at each other, but they’ll make you very proud when they come to one another’s defense should an outsider attempt the same.